K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
