She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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