my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Terrible idea I love it
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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