dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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