remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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