Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
