mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
