that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
