No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
