my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
tequila makes me forget i have legs
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
