You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
