is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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