you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
