You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
