i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
