remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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