If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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