There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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