Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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