note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
