Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize