I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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