Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
