She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
