my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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