have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
