Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
this hospital has no fireball
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
