Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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