Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
