Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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