Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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