She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
