I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just want nice things and good sex
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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