explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
