I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
