i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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