Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
