He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize