Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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