You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
