just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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