i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
