You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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