he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
