Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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