I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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