I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
