actually, I'm a sock model
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
