She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
