the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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