tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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