She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
