Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
even my farts smell like vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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