i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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