I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
