first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
