My first STD was from a foam party
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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