you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
