I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
